Hello world. It’s been a long time. Does the radio silence warrant an explanation? I don’t know. I’d like to think that I don’t owe anyone anything. I operate in such a way as to not incur debt, but I guess, in this case, the reason I stopped writing is relevant to why I’m starting again…
If you followed any of my last posts, they were slowly leading up to me revealing something. Me being real. Me talking about something that I hadn’t talked about with anyone, ever. What was it? Rape.
When I started this blog, I was deployed. It was 2015 and I was activated with the National Guard serving as an MP in Guantanamo Bay. I was not an MP. I was trained as an intelligence agent and as a member of the special operations forces. I killed it as an MP, however, and many people hated me for it. They hated me for being a woman. They hated me for excelling. They hated me for being in a position of authority. It was a shitty deployment. The worst experience of my entire 15 year military career. When things get that bad, I shut down and I shut up. It’s my way of dealing. So I stopped writing.
I was going to write about my experiences, my traumas, but I wasn’t ready. I was concerned about the blog not staying anonymous and a part of me didn’t want it to, but then I was still serving. I had to consider the repercussions of what I would reveal on my career. On the other hand, that may have just been an excuse not to expose myself, be vulnerable.
I was discharged on September 27th of this year (2020). Medical. The military still owes me 20K, my records do not reflect my awards or two years of service, and the Guard decided to push me out claiming that my injuries weren’t service connected. The fight continues, but I’m out. No excuse to withhold information now.
I’m not quite ready to expose it all here tonight, but I’m primed to start talking about it. These years I’ve been away, I’ve been to therapy. Introspected. Made progress in some areas…regressed in others…it’s an up and down type of journey. The latest modality that I’ve “completed” was called ACT – acceptance and commitment therapy. The point was to accept the past and I guess commit to not letting it determine my present? I don’t even know. I will say that it did help, but the major implications of the shit I have gone through have yet to be discussed with anyone, even my counselor. I’ve been in a hole for a long time now. These are “times of covid” and people say to give yourself a break, that we’re all “going through it,” but it’s not the same. It’s not that covid depression. This is something else.
The other day I realized that the three biggest heartbreaks of my life happened in succession, back to back to back. A death, a relationship, a best friend. Then I moved. I’ve tried to have a fresh start and escape it all. Eliminate the negativity, but I suffered a TBI in 2013 and ever since, it’s difficult for me to let go. Before the injury, I was very methodical. You fucked me over, I cut you off and had no qualms about it. Now I marinate in that betrayal and have literal chest pains when I think about it; even years later. It’s a problem. I still have hope I can recover my old self and transform into the person I want to be, the person I used to be, or better, but that’s my stubbornness against the world. The VA docs say, “you are just going to have to accept that you are disabled. Things will be different now.” No.
I don’t know that I want to write anything else tonight. I feel this wasn’t that interesting or well executed as a literary contribution. But it’s something, right?
I do feel like I should give a little attention to the things going on in the world though. Louisiana was just hit with the 4th (I think) major hurricane this year. Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed to the Supreme Court. She is Trump’s 3rd appointee and, with her confirmation, the conservative majority in the Court is cemented. Obamacare, LGBTQ+ rights, and minority advancement to include affirmative action programs are all now at risk.
A substantial amount of water was found on the moon. Covid is surging again with the highest number of positive cases over a 1 week span since it started in America (500K). Cassie (my cat) has stage 4 kidney disease and I don’t know how much time she has left. She still plays, eats, cleans herself, uses her box etc so the vet says she will probably beat the odds. The internet says 1.5 months after stage 4 diagnosis. She is about 20 years old. A 21 year old cat is 100 in human years.
Azerbaijan is at war with Armenia, Pakistan and Venezuela have recently been hit with terrorist attacks – explosions, and ATMs are blowing up all over Philly. Finally, it’s almost election day. Most of America is taking advantage of early voting or mail in ballots. The majority of polls show Biden winning, but Trump is still in the race. He didn’t win the popular vote last time and, yet, he’s been in that big, white house for the past four years. I won’t get into my views on him right now, but I will say that they changed over his administration and are mixed. I already voted and my ballot says Biden.
Over the past couple of months, I’ve had the urge to write. I used to write a lot and I guess, ultimately, it does help me. I opened up a Word .doc with the intent to write for the blog, not having a specific topic in mind, but, to echo my very first post, the beginning is the most difficult part. So here we are, a few pages later and I feel I haven’t said much, but its something. It’s my “hello” and it’s my first step toward making a commitment again. A commitment to write. A commitment to speak up. A commitment to be heard. A commitment to be vulnerable but brave. A commitment to be an advocate. A commitment to try. Here we are. Hello.
theoriginalhippiesoldier 